Rejoicing in Saddness

On Sunday I found myself once again unable to sing His praises because of the burning tears I was trying desperately to hold in. It seems that it is always then, when I am standing peacefully with my family, listening to the music, grateful for so many things, that I am no longer able to keep myself wrapped up into the business of life and my mask begins to dissolve. And as I asked myself what are these tears, they are not the usual overwhelming gratitude of His love and blessing to me despite my many flaws, they are not the panic of wondering if we are doing all we can to raise our children in His ways, then her face came into my mind.... the gentle face of Seth's Grandma Catherine. She is currently in her last hours and although I rejoice in her 95 years of wondrous life, there are a few things that I grieve. I grieve that the last decent picture of her I have with my girls is Christmas 3 years ago. I wish now that I had snapped the picture of our last outing with her in Fresno, with her lap piled high with the girl's things and one girl on each handle of her wheelchair, or the Melodrama we attended in North Fork as her eyes danced with delight, or one of Adalie making the little old people she lived with smile with just her presence alone, or one of Josiah who has just a tender heart toward the elderly and would without fail give Grandma a love and hold her hand, or one of Adalie making her laugh as she measured the distance from one wheelchair to the next. I grieve that she is finally here in the mountains and going to sit with her or take her shopping to remind her she was loved was so easy, just a minute away from school each morning. I grieve that she will not spend another Christmas with us, to let us giggle that she hardly will touch her dinner, but promptly gobble up her sweets or to ride down Christmas Tree Lane with us. I grieve that I did not write down the stories she told Seth and I so many years ago on our weekly Friday night dinners as we drove through Fresno. I grieve that she will not get to meet the 2 new great grand babies that are coming in just a few short weeks.

So, as I know all too well how difficult it is to let someone go no matter their age, I will again trust in the Lord that He alone is sovereign. So as her body fails her and her eyes grow darker, I will rejoice because she is so close to meeting her Maker, to dancing once again!

I will rejoice in my sadness.